Saturday, 16 September 2017

The Epitaph on my Tombstone

For many years I have been told never to write the epitaph on your Tomb Stone.
Since it is not done or it is some bad luck……….Well I do not want some Bozo to write something that they think is appropriate. I, will be laying under a WRITTING that I do not approve of, No, No, No.
This is what I would like written on my Tomb Stone:
‘Here Lays A Man, that, If You met…..Your Life Gets Better’.
My purpose in life is to make every life better. This is what I live for and this is what I like…….Period.
I give a good time, even if I do not know you. Those who have spent time with me will attest to this. I am supposed to be the go to Guy. I used to admire Harvey Weinstein because he was the go to guy. He would organise you, From Frank Sinatra to Will Smith. From Ocean’s Eleven to the Karate Kid. Weinstein is the man. If you want something particularly in show biz, go to Weinstein. In this case go to MAC.
For many years I used to entertain every Friday Evening at my house to the extent that I had to change the carpet twice. These days I would meet people who would tell me what fun they had at my house and I would not even remember that they were ever there. The other day at Emperors Palace a lady went on and on about the great time he had at the house and I swear to God I did not remember her ever having been at the house.
Look, they were times that I would have to force people to go home in the morning. But one thing I hated was people who would come to my house as guests and ask for what they could not afford by themselves. This used to annoy me.
But I remember when I made the decision to stop. One evening I was between the kitchen and the pool. A drunk gentlemen came out of nowhere and asked if I was having a good time. I did not even know him, He went on to ask me if I wanted a beer…..I knew that this thing of entertaining drunk strangers has to stop, besides they leave your house dirty.
Anyway, let me continue to finish my dark side. This reminds me of a scene in Star Wars where Master Yoda is explaining good and evil to Luke. Now, if you know anything about Master Yoda, is that he is the epitome of Cool and he exudes wisdom , you can also see that he is beyond earthly needs. He is just content and even knows where the world is going and that he knows the fate of life .And that destiny is already pre-determined.
 If we believe that the creator of the universe knows what is come, and what will be in this life. Why then, do we resist the pre-determined?
It is from this coolness that I draw inspiration and if you all remember the Late Madiba. He was Cool. And lived it.Oprah Winfrey once said that before one of her shows. Madiba wanted to know what the audience were all EXITED about and who was the Attraction. Then she said You ! He was surprised that he would cause such a commotion. This is an example of a man very comfortable in his own skin.
This is what I yearn for…..This is what should be Me!
You may wonder why I choose such an unnatural subject to include in my life story. Well I must let you know that one of the business that my mother formed after the death of my father was the Undertaking business. Bataung Funerals had its first office in Phomolong Soweto. Now as an obedient child one of my chores was to work at the undertakers. Do not get me wrong it was a hip job because I was paid R30 to find new business for the mortuary. This is something called Touting or marketing. Another R30 for delivery and coffining, then R30-00 for doing the Saturday or Sunday Burial.
So if I did a full case from start to finish. My mother paid me R90-00.
This was good money for a 16 year old in 1978 who was still in high school with petrol at +- R1.50 a litre with the rand R.20cents stronger than the dollar. These were good times. So I would also attend a post-mortem at the Johannesburg hospital. For an extra R50-00.
Man no wonder I always felt like a millioner.
Think about it .A packet of Simba Chips cost R0.12cents at the school tuckshop and I would be sitting on R140-00 in my pocket for just one weeks work. I even had access to a car and going to see a girlfriend in Thembisa(a township 40km away from home) was not a problem.
Of all these chores, the best was the day of the Burial.I would be dressed in my Black Suit with a white shirt and a bow tie. Looking all snazzy with my white gloves. Now if you want a sense of power even for just two hours. Conduct a Funeral.
You arrive at the Church or at the home for final pick up. First you sound the siren, this gets everybody’s attention. If you are in a Crowded neighbourhood. The dogs begin to haul and the cats run for cover. And as you walk in you look at your watch in an exaggerated fashion just to indicate to the Priest or whom so ever is in charge that time is up. You then walk into the congregation being the snazziest person in the room and with the authority to order anybody around.
Then you direct friends and family to carry the coffin into the hearse. At this time after the coffin is securely in the hearse and the family is in the two leading cars. Then I stand and direct all proceedings since everybody has to follow me and they go nowhere until I say so.So I will then instruct that all cars put their head lights on and face one direction. Then I will communicate with my bus drivers by sign language that they look at me at all times and press all these cars between my hearse and them. Then I would slowly allow everybody to be in their cars before I sound the siren again to bid the locality goodbye.
After a kilometre or so I would then stop the procession, just to keep order and allow the slow ones to catch up. This will be done in full view of everybody and also to remind them that I am still in charge and plan to run an orderly funeral.
My temporary power will end at the cemetery once everybody has arrived safely, Normally I would then take off in my hearse after lowering the coffin for my next Gig.
Sometimes I would have three Gigs in one day. Notice the language I am using ‘Gig’ not funeral.
It is in this spirit that I embrace the Epitaph on my Tomb Stone. This is because while I do not wish to die yet. I have embraced death as a natural order of life.
As master Yoda would put it:
                                                ‘Death is our Destiny and may the force be with you!’.  

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